I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.