Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
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According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Girl, same.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm