Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
New menu item
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.