It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
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me doing my best
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago