One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
is this store having a stroke wtf
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.