Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
ibopfufen