I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
lol
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Thank you corporation very cool
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.