You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.