Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”