OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?