Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You Might Also Like
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.