A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Buck naked
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Social Media and Real life
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening