If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
This January has 47 Mondays
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!