what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.