I’m not average. I’m mean.
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people