You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I beg your pardon?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Mornin
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that