I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright