I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!