Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
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all bases covered
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead