I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
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How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.