The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Body by Oreos
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
True
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.