“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.