[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
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Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Risking my life for fun.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
want me to check your oil?