Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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“you changed” bro i was 15
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.