mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Camping tip: No.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair