4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…