Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.