You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
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i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My god she’s good.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.