Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Can’t. Being lazy.