the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.