Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
What if all the cashiers are married?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”