Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car