Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
TODAY
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early