Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown