Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.