[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
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NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
For when Tinder doesn’t work