devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
That lamp looks PISSED.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“That’s what” – She
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]