Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.