big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family