[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.