Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.