Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Damn what did I do next
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real