20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.