I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Cardio Made Easy
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.