See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw