If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Something Saturday.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys