I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
stand with me against insufficient seating
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.