It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Hard not to take this personally
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol