These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
respect
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure