What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.